The mind fills with farewells, and loneliness begins to take over, as if those feelings are actually happening, even though in reality, those images and feelings are onlyimaginations.They are thoughts and creations we conjure up beforehand, even though the person is still here now, sitting beside us, still smiling happily in every moment.
The condition known as 'pre-breakup heartbreak' or pre-grieving relationship in psychology is called Anticipatory Grief, or grief occurring in advance. Thairath Plus invites you to explore the deeper feelings behind this state, when we start to grieve, shed tears, or prepare ourselves mentally, even though the relationship has not truly ended or the loved one is still present.
Pre-breakup heartbreak often occurs in people with high anxiety or those with attachment styles fearing loss. Although this mechanism serves as self-protection from pain, worrying prematurely becomes a feeling that restrains and traps us from enjoying the present. Because 'choosing to love' is always a beautiful aspect of any relationship, regardless of whether it is wonderful or ends.
As we understand, the human mind has mechanisms to protect against emotional pain, even if sometimes they overreach. German-American psychiatrist Dr. Erich Lindemann explained that pre-breakup heartbreak is an emotional mechanism where we try to 'rehearse grief' or mentally prepare to face an anticipated loss in the future.
However, this condition often works with the feeling of a Self-Fulfilling Prophecy—the belief that it will actually happen—until it becomes the reality we predicted. It starts with a belief or prediction that, even if initially untrue, pushes us to unknowingly display behaviors that eventually cause the anticipated outcome to occur.
For example, when we are in a pre-breakup heartbreak state, our behavior begins to change unknowingly. We might start to distance ourselves, be sarcastic, become depressed, or seek excessive attention out of fear, losing our sense of self. These anxiety-driven behaviors push the loved one to the point where they can no longer endure and choose to leave. Initially, we might think the feelings we have are the actual truth of what we expected, but in fact, it is ourselves creating that ending out of fear.
This aligns with the idea of Søren Kierkegaard, the father of existentialism, who explained that 'when we have freedom and dare to love, we can better handle the fear of loss,' because we understand that anxiety and expectations can occur in every relationship.. This helps us develop ourselves and become better versions for those we love.
At the same time, if we allow worry to destroy our courage to love, it worsens the relationship, undermines both parties' spirits, causes loss of self, and ultimately leads to an unhappy ending without ever daring to truly love.
Additionally, Jean-Paul Sartre described the concept of 'Bad Faith,' meaning self-deception where we believe we have no choice in our love paths, as if fate has already decided. Telling ourselves repeatedly that this love must end anyway is a way to avoid investing in love and not to truly commit to the relationship. This self-deception allows us to avoid feeling guilty or responsible when the relationship does end, since we warned ourselves from the start.
If we talk about a film that reflects the state of Pre-Grieving Relationship and may help unlock certain feelings clearly, one of them is the ending scene of the cult sci-fi romance film Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind.
Even though more than 22 years have passed since its first release, the story of love and relationships still offers lessons for us today. Interpreting from another perspective, especially at the end, after Joel and Clementine erase memories of their disastrous relationship from their minds, they unexpectedly meet again and fall in love anew. But suddenly, they confront the memories and reasons that caused their previous relationship to fail.
At that moment, Clementine worries prematurely about the future possibly ending the same way: 'We’ll go back to how it was— you’ll start to see my flaws, and I’ll get tired of you…' Her anxiety overlays past memories with future predictions of inevitable breakup, even though they haven't really started anew.
She refuses to start over for fear of the painful ending repeating itself. Yet the film unlocks our perspective through Joel's word 'Okay,' communicating that no matter what the future holds—arguments or another breakup—it’s okay. If we accept each other's flaws and work to fix mistakes, at least we can comfort ourselves knowing we did our best. The good moments along the way will be worth focusing on and enjoying in the present.
If you are stuck worrying prematurely about the end of a relationship and hesitant to open your heart fully, here are five ways to unlock your feelings, set aside worries, and allow yourself to enjoy the present.
Whenever your imagination runs ahead, ask yourself directly: Is the love good right now? Are you happy along the way? Does he still care for you as before? Bringing yourself back to present reality helps confirm that the journey so far has been good and eases anxiety about a future that hasn’t arrived yet.
Deep down, worry often comes with an idealized vision of perfect love—smooth and unchanging. Dr. John Gottman, a relationship psychologist, explained that every relationship has problems and conflicts. What keeps a relationship going is not the absence of fights or issues, but accepting each other’s flaws and learning to live with imperfection.Accepting imperfectionhelps reduce pressure because we are all human, needing love just like anyone else, wanting to be ourselves and feel comfortable with each other’s imperfections.
Roman philosopher Seneca said, ‘We suffer more in imagination than in reality.’ Trying to control what cannot be controlled—especially the uncertain future—is impossible. The future of love is the same. What we should do is build confidence that even if this ends, we can cope and be strong enough to heal and stand again. When we stop worrying about the future, we can return to happiness in the present.
Often, we judge current love by past painful relationships, assuming the same ending will occur. But people now have different personalities, attitudes, and stories. We should stop clinging to old wounds and judging new love by them, and instead learn from past mistakes to move forward hand-in-hand with the present partner, giving ourselves a chance to be happy again.
Instead of letting your mind worry about the future, practice focusing on the ‘present moment’—notice the food you’re eating together, listen to the laughter beside you, look into each other’s eyes, and gather good memories today. Ultimately, no one can guarantee how long or stable the relationship will be, but one thing is certain: this love truly happened because you both chose to be together, no matter how simple or challenging the path.
In the end, love stories may not always have an ending of lifelong togetherness, but are about collecting feelings along the way and opening your heart to every beauty occurring in the present—daring to love, to feel, to be happy, and to hurt simultaneously. These experiences test us and help us grow strong enough.