People often rely on their initial feelings when making decisions.
They buy certain books because of the cover, pick up CDs from unknown bands because of the artwork, or like Facebook posts based on the illustrations without reading the content, and so forth.
Such experiences happen to many people frequently, and it’s not necessarily bad to let feelings lead over substance sometimes. However, there should be exceptions, especially in human relationships, because a first impression may not provide the whole answer. Feeling an immediate connection does not always mean the person is right for the long term, and someone who doesn’t click initially might be the relationship we’re actually seeking.
Or consider the past of loved ones, close friends, or respected bosses—they often come together through ordinary repeated interactions, gradually building a good relationship. Several conditions often must be met before one can be certain the relationship is the right one.
It is unfortunate that many people mistakenly judge others based on feelings, beliefs, or preferences from the start.
Before developing relationships with anyone, it’s worth reflecting on whether we’ve ever misunderstood situations like this.
One common misconception about building relationships is that they happen naturally, like two people meeting and instantly clicking. In reality, the environment plays a significant role in people meeting and getting to know each other.
Professor Jeffrey A. Hall, an expert in social interaction, points out that places and activities that allow people to meet regularly—such as libraries, parks, cafés, schools, or community events—are crucial for fostering new relationships because they provide opportunities for people to meet, talk, and gradually become familiar through repeated shared activities.
Therefore, building connections cannot be left to chance; it must start with ourselves by placing ourselves in environments where we want to develop relationships with like-minded people. For example, to meet colleagues in the same field, one may need to leave their usual circles and join activities or spaces where that group gathers. To make friends who enjoy exercising, simply attending the same class at the same time each week can create opportunities for conversation.
Another reason many miss out on connections is expecting immediate chemistry.
Of course, sometimes it happens—we meet someone and immediately hit it off. Research on interactions explains that behaviors like laughing together, expressing gratitude, or showing warmth can spark interest in continuing a relationship early on.
But it’s important to distinguish between 'instant chemistry' and 'developing a good relationship'; these are not the same.
Jeffrey Hall, who has studied friendship development for years, found that chemistry often arises from spending time together or growing closer over time. For example, with some people, we might not click at first meeting—just be able to talk a bit—but after frequent conversations, we feel comfortable, eventually wanting to see that person again.
In short, chemistry comes from shared experiences accumulated over time.
The idea of similarity is another common misconception. The concept of homophily explains that people tend to form relationships with those who share similarities—age, values, behaviors, or background—but this is different from building a good relationship.
In real life, it’s not necessary to be alike in every way. What matters more is sharing enough in common to interact, even small things like attending the same class, jogging in the same park, working on a project together, liking the same coffee shop, or walking dogs at the same time each morning. These can all be starting points for good relationships.
This is a common trap today, as we tend to judge people by first impressions so much that one awkward conversation can make us turn away and end things immediately.
But we must remember that often when two people meet for the first time, they are reserved, secretly trying to read the other’s character, what topics to discuss, whether they are talking too much, and how the other feels about them. The beginning can be full of silence and tension, which is not impressive.
A study on first encounters explains that closeness doesn’t come from just one meeting but requires self-disclosure, mutual responses, and shared experiences accumulating over time. Initial awkwardness should not be immediately taken as a reason to withdraw from the relationship.
Of course, this doesn’t mean we should force every relationship, as discomfort can sometimes signal incompatible boundaries. But the key point is not to judge solely on first feelings because many relationships need time just to move beyond being strangers.
The goal isn’t to find ‘the right person’ but to create spaces where the right person can enter.
Ultimately, the way we think about connection should shift from ‘searching for people’ to ‘designing conditions.’ Instead of asking who we should meet, we might ask where we should be to meet different kinds of people.
Rather than trying to make everyone like us, we might choose activities we truly enjoy and consistently return to those places. Instead of pressuring ourselves to form friendships in one conversation, we can let relationships grow gradually through repeated greetings, shared coffees, or deeper talks after some time.
This insight explains friendships and relationships well: strangers we see once remain strangers, but those we see daily, greet, chat with, and share experiences with gradually become someone different in our eyes.
It must be emphasized that building good relationships isn’t about being charming or relying on fate, hoping simply to step outside and meet the right person.
In reality, it might be much simpler, starting with a simple phrase like “See you again.”
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